| Hot mess. |
[Sep/2nd/2007] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 apathetic |
] |
Here I am. Sitting on our old couch in our new house and everything has changed.
Everything as in, my attitude. My relationships. My surroundings.
I'm kind of numb to the huge change that's about to happen come Wednesday. I mean, I'm excited. Who doesn't want to live in Europe? ...Right?
I'm so confused.
I ask for clarity and when it comes to me I deny it. Because it's too hard. I'm running to Tarshish when I need to sail to Nineveh. But I keep telling myself that maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm not giving things a chance. Maybe God just wants me to learn to be patient. Am I selling out too early?
It's hard to calculate and understand: this mind of mine. My thoughts fan out and create delicate webs that eventually die and clutter my comprehension, each lifelessly hanging from whatever is left living.
I crave independence. City life. Lights blazing on a black background. Water. Bridges. Speedometers wavering on the 90mph line. Mirrors. Big windows.
And rain.
With black umbrellas and the feeling of being surrounded by completely focused people. Untouched by their surroundings but completely caught up in their bustling home.
Tragedy. To feel and escape to feeling empty again.
What a beautiful release of pain. What better way to make room for something happy: to express the unhappy.
I crave indulgence (an appetite I should not feed). Deep colors. Plum purple satin sheets. Red wine (especially not this appetite). Dim lighting.
No, not sex.
Just sheer indulgence. Indulgence like a Fiona Apple (Tidal) song while taking a bubble bath with candles. Black feather boas and fluffy pillows. Dark chocolate and red lipstick.
What is this change that is taking place? Am I growing or am I stagnant? Is this wisdom or ignorance? Am I running or standing still? This fog has completely thrown my sense of space and time. But I am captivated.
I'm going to wait it out. I leave for Vienna two days after tomorrow.
Beautiful.
|
|
| Limbo. |
[Aug/3rd/2007] |
Let me quote from my real live journal that is actually written in ink, by hand, in a bound notebook.
"... When someone is getting to know me I feel like it's easy to 'fall inlove' with the Jill outside her walls. But once you go deeper, there's an ugly Jill waiting to attack - and I hate feeling like I just disappoint."
It's funny that I stumbled across this entry, from February 6th of this year.
It's all I've felt recently. That I'm that nutcase. That friend that you think is really pretty cool until you actually talk with them for awhile and then you're like, "Dang. This girl's got problems."
Although I don't neccessarily think I have emotional problems or mental problems or anything crazy like that.
I just wish that I was the girl that everyone first thinks I am.
I could list tons of people who I have disappointed, soley on the basis of friendship. Not even some big thing that set us at odds. But just people who refuse to work with me and accept that I mess up a lot.
Anyways. This is all very depressing and I'm really not at all a depressed person! Ha. I just need to vent I guess, after writing an entry in my real journal, then stumbling upon that old entry, I somehow thought writing in here might help me sort out my thoughts.
And pass the time until my dad and aunt get here.
Oh wait.
She is!
|
|
| "Commence life cycle." |
[Jul/6th/2007] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Read on. |
] |
A scab fell off of my finger today. For half a second I looked at the soft, rosy flesh below but something more important caught my attention before I could exam it any further.
I found peace in the mall today. I gazed far away into everything in my mind that cannot be seen and for ten seconds my brain sighed a breath of relief as the noise faded away and I found a whisper of serenity.
I stood in the rain today. It was perfect, the kind that soaks you the instant you step outside. And it chilled my body and gave me goosebumps but lifted my spirits more than anything has in years. It paraded over my entire body, tickling me like pins and needles sent from Aphrodite. Yet, somehow, it was bittersweet. Like I had reason to be sad, when I didn't at all.
And now I can hear the faint hum of John Mayer filtering from my room into the rest of this big, lonely house and my wet hair is soaking through my shirt and keeping my back cold.
I opened the window in my bathroom after I came in from the rain and sat in the dark, watching. There is something intimate about standing in the rain. Like experiencing my own affair with a lover who comes only exactly when you need him. And watching the rain from my towel made me feel fertile and youthful, like a promise waiting to be kept.
I feel misunderstood and mistreated.
Independent and lonely.
Thoughtless but yet with so much to say.
Not to say that any of these feelings are legitimate or have reasons. I am not mistreated, nor am I very misunderstood.
Strange that I only added that sentence in order to keep an audience straight, when I am my only audience.
I want to drown myself in sleep.
My words are so randomized and disconnected, but somehow, perhaps in this moment of self-actualization, I feel clarity and understanding.
And all of this to say that
I felt so alive today.
|
|
| MadLib. |
[Apr/13th/2007] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Logan and Ben |
] |
I don't have anything to write about. It's sad, I love so much where I am and how things have happened to me but no matter what happens to me, good or bad, it is still rare that I will be compelled to write about it. This all happened to me sometime after my junior year and before my senior year, but I don't know why or when. It's frustrating. I mean, look at me. I'm dying to write, but I'm writing about my writer's block. What changed in my life that forever plugged the flow of literary thought in my brain? What did I do? What didn't I do? Perhaps it occured when I stopped keeping a journal. On here. In real life. Everywhere.
These two semesters have brought about a fresh revolution of mind and spirit. In Jill Thompson anyway. Maybe not in my friends or my parents or the world around me. But as for me, I have changed. I haven't changed in any dramatic, life-altering way .. but at the same time I have. 2007 changed me. January brought new ideas to me, new ambitions. My classes, and especially my boyfriend Logan, have brounght a strong sense of artistic hunger to me. I think in a different dimension than I ever have before, and it's refreshing. I do the things I want to do. And I have a passion for things I never knew I cared about. I genuinely care about the problems in third world countries, with poverty and disease and a lack of concern. I read books.
And yet, while I am experiencing so much healing and spiritual exploration, there will always be a part of my life that feels unfulfilled. There will always be someone somewhere doing something that looks more satisfying than what I am choosing to do with my life. And while that is simply an illusion, it's annoying. I love the purity of life that I have found. That I choose not to drink, I've been there and I hated the person I became. I'm not going to step up on some soapbox about alchohol, it's just a choice I made that I'm sticking to, and it's not my business what my friends choose to do. But I have found this passion, that overwhelms me and produces a steady pulse of joy.. I can't even begin to describe it to you. It isn't Christianity. It's spirituality. On a very, very basic level. It's beginning to get in touch with the things beneath the surface. And I have only just begun, believe me.. but already I am feeling the effects in such exhilerating ways. Yet I see pictures of my friends at other colleges and I see their rosy cheeks and drunken, happy eyes and I can't help but feel unfulfilled. It is strange, that I can find such ultimate satisfaction in a completely new way, and simultaneously feel so... what is the word? So, sheltered and 'goody-goody' when I see my friends' lives? Even though that is not who I am. I am by no means inexperienced or sheltered. I have made my fair share of mistakes and I have regrets that make it hard to live with myself sometimes. I don't know. It's just one of those things.
I will always find joy in my life, and somehow I will still find dissatisfaction after seeing someone else's. Oh what is this human nature that causes so much unneccessary comparison.
Sigh.
At least I have found something to write about.
|
|
| FireKill. |
[Mar/27th/2007] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Sleeping In |
] |
I'm in my dorm listening to music and reflecting on my day as I sit back in my chair and decide what to do next.
There is something about the time and place in which college happened to me that makes it incredibly special to me. I love Lipscomb. I love it so much more than I ever dreamed I would. Everytime I go home I realize two things: a) that my family is extremely valuable to me and b) my 'old life'.. if you care to call it that.. has nothing on my new one.
But then comes the debate of whether or not it is this place, or if it was just what I needed in my life at that time. I had a rough summer. Not rough in that I spent a lot of nights bored, sad, or angry.. but rough in that I made a lot of stupid decisions in order to "have a good time" and ended up regretting pretty much 80% of my summer. So college was a welcomed escape and refreshment.
Anyway, that's not the thought that prompted me to add to this old collection.
Logan Andrew Hartline is.
I'm scared. I'm scared that I don't know how to love anymore, since Aurelien ripped my heart to pieces. I like Logan. I like him a lot. And he understands me, as much as anyone can anyway, and we get along. But there's always a hidden part of me that wants to believe that I don't have feelings for him. It's just a defense mechanism getting in the way of being vulnerable, but it's hard none the less. He'll say something that will scare me. Like the other day.. He always thanks me for being his girlfriend, it's really sweet. He'll kiss me and look at me in the eyes and sigh and say, "I really like you. I'm so glad you like me too." It sounds lame when I give you a play by play, but it's one of the most genuine things I've ever seen or heard a guy do. But the other day he said "I'm glad you like me. Some girls don't like their boyfriends." This puzzled me. "They're just with them for validation. A guy to have around. We all know people who like their significant others a lot more than their significant other likes them. It's sad." And I started thinking (oh, great). What if that's me? I mean, obviously I would never be with a guy just for validation. But what if my mind reads my need for validation as an attraction to the guy that likes me? What if, beneath it all, I'm just lonely and Logan is a nice guy that fit the bill? I'd like to believe that that is not the case. But, honestly, what do I know about myself? How can you ever tell if you seriously really really care about someone? Everyone has doubts occassionally.
Now. The reason I know I really do like him. He says things that shock me and catch me completely off guard, but things that I know he only shares with me because he trusts me and cares about me. He'll say something like "I really want to have sex with you." Of course, us both understanding that we're waiting until marriage. Things that on the surface seem meaningless or crude, but really are thoughts that are completely pure in motive and usually left unsaid and unshared. I mean, he didn't say, "I really want you to have sex with me." He said that HE wants to have sex with ME because he knows that we aren't going to. He doesn't want sex like you get in the airplane. Or sex between two horny people. He wants sex like the intimacy of two people in love. Sex that has waited for the very most special person to be shared with. He's not saying that he wants to have sex. He's saying that right now, I am that very most special person to him.
And all of this he never had to say.
But it is in his actions and his words and his thoughts that I see his purity of heart and deep concern for others. He may make my jaw drop or my cheeks flush, but more was said in that sentence than has ever been said to me before. And his sincerity is unquestionable.
This is how I know I like him.
I have shared things with him that he thinks everyone knows about me. But things that I have never told anyone but him. I liked to say I did that with Aurelien. But not these things. These things have not surfaced until tonight. In the car with my boyfriend of one and a half months. My boyfriend who I have known for less than a year, and trust more than I trust lifelong friends.
He prays with me. He prays for me. He isn't concerned with what he is getting from our relationship, but what he's giving to it. And as my natural instinct tries to compare him to past boyfriends, I can't do that and be fair. He isn't like anyone I've ever dated. He doesn't raise me up to standards that no one else reaches. He doesn't idolize me or pretend to like something I like. He doesn't do exactly what I want him to do without me saying anything.
Our relationship is more real than even mine with Aurelien's was.
I have dropped every wall for this guy.
And if it only lasts two months, four months, some insignificant number, that's okay with me. I'll hurt again like I hurt for Aurelien, but this bond that I have explored for the past month has opened my eyes to a different kind of love. (Don't worry, we don't adorn each other with 'I love you's".. we haven't gotten to that yet)
I am so thankful for having him in my life.
Wow.
A year ago today I thought I knew the man I was going to marry.
A year ago today I thought I was in love.
A year ago today I battled with the idea of a lack of Christ in my relationship.
Who knows where I will be a year from now. I'm not going to be unrealistic. I'm going to be gone a lot in the next few months, and we may not survive that.
But I'm lucky to have what I have now while I have it.
Okay, he just called. I'm going to go meet him for coffee. :)
|
|
| Bonjourno. |
[Jan/30th/2007] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 interested |
] |
I feel like life is slowly slipping from me. Not that I'm dying, or am longing to feel "alive" (whatever that means), but more in the context of the span of a lifetime. How does time deceive us so consistently? I wake up every morning at the same time. I take the same amount of time in the shower, making my coffee, getting dressed... and yet somehow inevitably I will be early, or I will be late. If time were a person I don't think we'd be friends.
My dad and I used to go out on our back deck together every night when I was younger and look at the stars. He'd pray and I'd sit on his lap and listen to him breathe and tell me about his childhood. When I was seven we were out sitting listening to the crickets (my dad would always rave about how beautiful God's creation sounded), and I asked him why a year felt shorter and shorter as I got older. He told me that he'd wondered that all his life and finally decided that it's because as you grow older, one year is a smaller fraction of your life as time goes on. When you're two, for instance, a year is half your life. When you're nine, a year is one ninth of your life. When you're sixty five, I mean, a year is barely worth worrying about.
I still think of this every night. It's funny, I never remember sitting on the deck with my dad after that night. Not to say that it never happened again, but that's the last memory I have of those talks.
I feel like I need to some how slow time down, but since that's obviously impossible.. at least by the standards of our natural laws, perhaps I can simply speed my life up to time. It's interesting, that the idea of carpe diem is so valued, and yet I look back at the last year of my life and wonder where the time went. I honestly don't think that it's humanly possible to live EVERY moment as if it were your last. Or rather, that it is impossible to live every moment to the very fullest. I mean, what characterizes "the fullest"? I've pretty much come to the conclusion that as long as I'm not ignoring obvious opportunities for success, experience, or even fun, I'm doing pretty good.
So what will I do when I turn seventy (Lord willing) and think about these years as a young adult?
That is the number one reason I keep writing.
So I will know for certain whether or not I spent my time doing the things that I love to do, or would help me most.
It's already been a month and I have yet to make resolutions, but one recurring theme which I've been thinking about all January in light of resolutions is that I want to fill my time with the important things.
Reading, family, learning, God.
Time is life.
Life is measured by time.
There's no great conclusion to end this little thought.
Just something to help me remember my 18 year old mind by.
The end.
|
|
|
[Dec/13th/2006] |
I'm in college now.
Funny.
You'd think I would have finally grown up, but I feel less mature than I was three years ago.
I need to do some spring cleaning emotionally and physically.
BLAH.
|
|
| Peace out. |
[Feb/7th/2006] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
"..than just about every temporary high to satisfy me.." |
] |
I'd most probably be classified as an extrovert, but it came to my attention today in Psychology that I enjoy the time I have to myself just as much as I enjoy being social. In fact, I think I enjoy it more. For instance, when we stayed with Lynn and her three roommates in their apartment at Elon, I kept imagining myself in my own apartment.. but without any roommates. And I don't want a roommate in my dorm, either. I think this desire for independence is also really the foundation for a lot of things that I can't really experience at this point in my life. I love my close friends more than almost anything else in my life. They seem to be the only people who ever act with common decency pretty much 100% of the time. We don't bicker, and we don't get ourselves all wrapped up in drama. If something comes up, we communicate how we feel in a civilized way, and we work it out.. like any senior should know how to do. I love that about them, I love the perfect level of maturity they maintain for me. But as much as I love them, other things in my life kind of ruin that perfection for me. Misunderstandings, differing perspectives, sometimes just pure spite. The bad pollutes that good wholesomeness that I can find in areas of my life such as close friendship and my relationship with Aurelien and God, and it just frusterates me.
There is so much more to life than right now. There is so much more than petty disagreements and gossip and minor problems.
There's years of marriage, occupation, and love.
And I have so many more things to do in my life than I've done so far, in fact I don't think I've really done anything at all at this point in time.
I am dying to just be alive. I want to leave everything. Everything. And just experience what there is to experience.
I want to thrive off of the independence I possess, and reroot myself in an entirely unfamiliar setting and landscape, and just see what happens. I want to learn all about myself, and learn my reactions and my values. I don't want to be attatched to anything, or anyone. I just need to escape, I guess. That escape could possibly come with college, but only with so much and I need more than that.
I need a year by myself in a different country.
I need a year without anyone I know at this very moment.
I need a year to find out what really makes me different from everyone else, and why I was born into this world at all.
This moment is so insignificant to the grander picture. Ten years from now, I won't remember how to find a derivitive by hand. I won't remember my senior year schedule, or the combination to my locker.
Highschool is so small, so confined. And I can't wait for a time when I actually get to touch the world myself, and find out things on my own.
I love Cary, I love my friends, and hey my boyfriend treats me like I'm golden.
But all of those things I love are so infected with other, outside toxins, and other poisenous, hurtful things.
There has to be more than this.
|
|
| You do not understand how incredible this song is. |
[Aug/27th/2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 I will be married one day. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Last Five Years. OWN IT. |
] |
Will you share your life with me, for the next ten minutes?
For the next ten minutes: we can handle that.
We could watch the waves, we could watch the sky,
Or just sit and wait as the time ticks by,
And if we make it 'til then, can I ask you again
For another ten?
And if you in turn agree, to the next ten minutes,
And the next ten minutes, 'Til the morning comes,
Then just holding you might compel me to
Ask you for more.
There are so many lives I want to share with you-
I will never be complete until I do.
I'm not always on time.
Please don't expect that from me.
I will be late, but if you can just wait,
I will make it eventually.
Not like it's in my control, not like I'm proud of the fact,
But being anything other than being exactly on time,
I can do.
I don't know why people run.
I don't know why things fall through.
I don't know how anybody survives in this life without someone like you.
I could protect and preserve, I could say no and goodbye,
But why, Jamie, why?
I want to be your wife.
I want to bear your child.
I want to die knowing I,
Had a long, full life in your arms..
That I can do
Forever, with you.
Will you share your life with me
Forever
For the next ten lifetimes?
Forever, Jamie
For a million summers
Till the world explodes
Till there's no one left who has ever known us apart.
There are so many dreams
I need to see with you...
There are so many years
I need to be with you...
I will never be complete
I will never be alive
I will never change the world
Until I do
I do, I do, I do..
I do.
I've been dancing on clouds all day listening to this.
I have never experienced love like I do in this musical, it's incredible that someone has finally captured it in something immortal.
Amazing. Seriously, download this song and listen to it, it'll make you crave real romance, and an actual soulmate.
|
|
| Lipscomb Application Day. :) |
[Aug/27th/2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crazy freaking excited! |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Last Five Years (update on THAT later. haha) |
] |
I'm rooming with Jessi Young at Lipscomb, provided we both get in. :)
I'm so excited, you have no idea..
We have both spent a lot of time together before, and we didn't get sick of each other.. and we're both laid back and interested in the same music (HUGE PLUS haah).
I love her so much, I cannot WAITTTT.
And we're sharing a suite with Maleah and her roommate (she wants to put her name in the "hat").
And we're all going to decide which dorm to be in, I'm looking mostly at Fanning and Johnson..
Johnson is newer, but it only has 2-room suites.
And Fanning has a mold problem (supposedly, but Sarah hasn't seen it yet.. haha), but they have 4-room suites with a common room.
I'm so excited.
I cannot wait until college. :D
Okay. Now I'm going to Kristi's birthday dinner, then out with Malizzle. :-*
I went shopping with Katie today.
I love everyone!!
|
|
| I've been thinking. |
[Aug/26th/2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Dillon's Mix (I'm never going to give it to him, it's soo good!) |
] |
Not about anything in particular.. I always have such a desire to write, but nothing to write about.. atleast nothing that seems relevant or important enough for me to bring up and actually formulate an entire two or three paragraphs on. I have this pit in my stomach though, and I know what it is about, but I'm convincing myself otherwise.. I just wish it would go away, I need to give everything a chance.
So I'm just going to write in, yes that's right AP newbies, stream of conciousness.
I think I've handled myself fairly well over the past year, I didn't conduct myself according to what the movies show, like I did in winter of ninth grade. Although I do have the best memories from that winter, only becuase every ounce of my life was filled with such strong emotion. Everything I did was either coated in misery, or oozing with spirit. And I would constantly walk to the lake and watch the lights move on the water, to try and cope with all of that abundant emotion. I love the life you can feel in having a strong emotion, but I was so drained from the constant extremes. I wonder whatever happened to that emotion. I seem to have such a lack of it in my life now, I've mellowed out to a point that I can't even distinguish when I'm really sad or really happy anymore. The only feeling I really recognize is being excited, or momentarily content.
Strange, I'd hate to call that growing up...
I think my childhood was flawed by the shockingly sudden change of perspective I encountered. I tend to remember very precise decisions, that usually have nothing to do with much. Such as realizing that covering my mouth, pointing, and chanting "ooooo!!!" wouldn't make a kid get in any more trouble than they already were. Likewise, I remember going to camp one person, and coming back a different one. And since then, obviously, I've changed.. but not as much as I did in those two weeks in 2002. After that, I was probably the person I had ever hoped to be, but it was because of that that I am not today.
Suddenly I discovered my beauty, and what I liked about myself. And although I needed that self-confidence that I had been severely lacking in beforehand, along with self-appreciation comes the combat against self-absorption. Naive little me didn't even have time to blink before I spent hours infront of the mirror and regarded myself as never higher than anyone around me (I have never been arrogant, just self-centered), but worth more than I probably was or am.
I'm not blaming anyone else for me being self-centered, but it didn't help that people fed my ego nonstop. Shame on them, and shame on me.
Anyways, hopefully I've moved on from that. I've realized that obviously there are more important people on the planet than I, and I'd like to think that I'm slowly becoming less concerned with myself, and trying to be more concerned with others, which I really feel that I'm genuinely improving on.
Anyways, so in the past year I've really handled myself. Given that I took a pretty hard hit at my pride, and I really took it. I owned up to the fact that yes, I was vulnerable, and probably in the least dignified place of the situation, but I didn't pretend to be any better than I was. And I recovered.
So maybe you will never see the countless notebooks I keep in my room, covered in scrawlings from moments in the past when I needed to let something out, and maybe you'll never see the kind, and hurtful, things I wrote about you, or the boxes under my bed of things I still can't look at because it's just not good for me, or the empty places on my calendar. But you can still have a little respect for me, like I do for you. I'm sure you had no need for a callus like I did, and still do, but if you do, make one. So I can still be your friend, because I miss you.
That wasn't stream of conciousness at all.
Jenny is right: I need to stop wondering why I don't feel what I think I should feel, and just enjoy what I'm feeling.
Remarkable. <3
|
|
| Premier of senior year. ;) |
[Aug/25th/2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Howie Day |
] |
Katherine Martyak, Jenny Cupero, Lauren Flinn (sp?), Brezny Qualls and I stayed up til one last night, painting our toenails (HOW CLISHE haha) and watching the Nanny, and woke up at FIVE am this morning. :-\ Haha.
We entirely pimped that Suburban last night at Brezny's.
We spent $70 on three minutes of pure glory riding into Green Hope, hanging out the windows and screaming at the top of our lungs.
We won "Most Senior Spirit".. because we rock like that.
We wore party hats, mardi gras beads, ENTIRELY covered the car in writing, "06"s, "GH SENIORS", crepe paper, and balloons.
And best of all .. we had an INFLATABLE "PARTY" sign on top. It was beyond dazzling. Haha.
Oh yea, and we listened to "It's Raining Men" all the way in, at about 54673214 decebles too high (how do you spell decibles?).
My classes (B day.. or "THURSDAY" - stupid administration) are pretty solid sweet. And I had SO much fun with Matt today!
He sat behind me in APUSH last year, and we had a blast.. and now he sits in front of me in ICM, so we were partners on our work today.. naturally.
I'm teacher cadeting in the library with Ali and Nikita. It's already rockin. They gave us cake, muffins, and drinks today -- OUR FIRST DAY! :)
I also got my senior pictures done today after school. They looked pretty good when I scanned through them before I left.. but does anyone else feel like the male photographers were overkilling a little on the flirtation? Hm. Maybe it was just me.. hah.
Well, hopefully everything tomorrow goes well with my other three classes. I got parking spot number 563. Ouchh. :-\ Hhah. Ohwelll. <3
I love Green Hope.
I love being a Senior.
And I love Dillon Maurer.
Peace out, C-town. <3
|
|
| IM A SENIOR. AHAHHHHALSDJFLKSJDF :D :D!! |
[Aug/24th/2005] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 ecstatic!! |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
I tried my best to leave this all on your machine but the.. |
] |
WOW I DON'T KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH ME.
BUT I FEEL ALIVE,A ND BEAUTIFUL,A ND HAPPY, AND EXCITED FOR THE UPCOMINOG YEAR AND EVERYTHING TO PLAY ITSELF OUT!!
AND I HAVE SOMEONE WHO LOVES ME, AND A FAMILY WHO LOVES ME, AND FRIENDS THAT LOVE ME.. AND IF THEY DON'T, ATLESAT I LOVE THEM.
AND A SCHOOL THAT PRETTY FRANKLY KICKS BADUNKADUNK COMPARED TO ANY OTHER SCHOOL AROUND.
AND I LOVE WAKING UP AND MAKING TOAST AND WALKING AROUND IN MY UNDERWEAR AND SLIPPERS WHLIE I MAKE MY BED AND SMILE AT THE BEAUTFIUL DAY OUTSIDE AND DANCING AROUND TO THE POSTAL SERVICE AND LAYING ON MY BED TALKINGTO MY LOVER. (hehe) AND SHOWERING EARLY SO I CAN BE READY FOR WHATEVER HITS ME IN MY FACE. :)
I MAY BE CLISHE, AND I MAY BE LAME..
BUT ATLESAT I'M HAPPY. :)
And I hope all of you guys are to.
Happy New School Year everyone. <3333
|
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| Wait til this hits the fan. |
[Aug/24th/2005] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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music |
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Crickets. No joke! |
] |
Okay. This is not any ordinary picture post. This is the mother load of all picture updates, compacted into just about the hugest picture update I've ever made. ...And I make BIG picture posts.
..So don't say I didn't warn you, mmmkay? :) Haha. It's pretty much the equivalent of my 'SUMMER.' post last year, and a lot of them are from that one post that didn't work recently.. <3
Oh yea. And they're in chronological order, from least recent to most recent (the bold titles are what event/time/trip they were).
( Click it or ticket, baaabe. <3 )
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| My therapy. |
[Aug/23rd/2005] |
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mood |
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blank |
] |
Lately I feel like I've been reciting lines and performing for my friends. I used to be so honest with myself to the point that if something felt slightly hesitant, I would instantly back away. But now I feel like my entire perspective has changed.. that if I feel hesitant, atleast I don't feel wrong, and I can still convince myself of that decision being right.
It's not even that I'm making wrong decisions, I just feel like I might not be quite ready for certain things, but to avoid hurt and hastle, I keep telling myself that I'm fine. I am fine, I just wonder if I'm ever actually trusting God, or chilling out, but still making my own way for myself.
How do you know when God is actually guiding you? I try and try to give everything up for his command, because I've learned time and time again that whenever I try to do things myself, it just isn't anythign that it's supposed to be. Why would I settle for less, when God could give me more? It just makes sense to let Him take over, and it gives me more time to relax and watch Him work.
I think it's fall kicking in.. making me think too hard, and wring my hands over worthless matters like my hair or my classes coming up.
Sunlight is such an important aspect to my emotional well-being, and not only is getting further and further away.. but I stayed indoors all day today.
I wonder if I lived in Hawaii, or somewhere where the sun always seemed close.. if I'd be a happier person in this upcoming time of year... :-\
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| "If you spend time thinking about the time you have left, you won't spend it living." |
[Aug/23rd/2005] |
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mood |
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lazy |
] |
I've been reading all morning, I'm halfway through the book I started, and it only took me two hours. Cake.
But I took a break from reading, after I got a really cute message (I turned my ringer off) from a certain someone.. :)
And now I think I actually like my myspace.
Goodbye! <3
PS. I saw Skeleton Key yesterday with Shane and Dillon, and it's not scary, but it's still really good. Rent it, it's not a must-see on big screen.
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| You're just one big ball of weird, Jennyroo. :) |
[Aug/22nd/2005] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
] |
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music |
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You, and you, and nothing but you.. miles and piles of YOU. |
] |
I've pretty much decided that there are more beautiful people in the world than there are ugly. I used to think that being beautiful was such a rarity.. but it's really not. I bet you 70, dare I say 85% of the world would be classified as beautiful.
I think that's great!! :) Haha.
Anyways, to fill you in, in a quick, undiluted, but yet to-the-point way, in the past 48 hours I have chilled with the following FREAKING AWESOME PEOPLE (in order, mind you! :) haha).
- Katelyn Conolty!! (shopping)
- Melinda Kay George :) (same shopping trip)
- Jenny Cupero (Raleigh, sleepover)
- My youth group (Brooks this morning with Jenny)
- Michael Query (boating today with Jenny)
- Krista Stepney (IMAGE)
- Tyvette Wilkins (IMAGE)
- Danica Grainger (IMAGE)
- Vaishali Patel (IMAGE)
- Mark Schwab!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU! (chilling at Jenny's again)
- Tommy Bishop (West Park yo)
- Jeffrey Michael Warfield (West Park!! :D I love my neighborhood)
I cannot believe I've seen these freaking awesome people ALL in this short amount of time. I'm so happy.
And tomorrow.. guess who's coming to see me. :D
That's right: Craig, Dillon, Shane.. all in the greater Raleigh area. Craig's here for Amanda, and Shane for Jenny (and me, but more Jenny this time <33), so who knows.. but hopefully we'll meet up. :)
I need to go to bed so I can wake up when they get here ! They're coming early. I'm so exciteddddd LOVE YOU.
And thankyou Tommy and Jeff for stopping by to sit on my porch with me tonight until midnight. You guys are the greatest. <3333
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| YAY FOR AYE PEE! <33 |
[Feb/28th/2005] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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Classical, always in here. |
] |
You know, I was doing my AP homework.. when I took a look around.
And I thought, man. This is ridiculous.
And I decided, hey, rather than working on AP, why don't I bring the joys of AP to you guys?
SO I DID.
( Coming to you, live, from my home.. )
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